The Letter
by dave-d
Summary: Nonsensical one shot. Naruto reads some stories at FanFiction.net and gets pissed off. He tries to write a letter to the site managers, but his friends get in on the business.


_**A/N:**_

This story is _not_ entirely original. Those who read **Grummur**'s _'What's So Funny?' _will see where the inspiration came from.

I'm a NaruHina fan, no doubt about it. But, while I don't care much for the other pairings, it's still easy to enjoy some other stories…… when they're written well. Though, specifically, I _can't_ say the same thing for yaoi or shounen-ai stuff, because they seem wrong to me. But, that's **_my_** view on things. Everyone else has the right to their own opinions.

If a NaruHina-centric view annoys you…… _or_ if you like yaoi kind of stuff…… then this may not be a story for you.

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"Hey. Keep it down." Naruto looked back at Kiba, scowling. "I'm trying to think!"

Akamaru stopped his cavorting and barking, looking over at Kiba. Kiba burst out laughing.

"Like _that's_ possible." Sakura said, shaking her head. Even Ino was forced to nod her head at that.

"OHHHHH!" Lee stood up and struck a nice guy pose. "Naruto's efforts are admirable. If he learns to think, he could be the _greatest_ shinobi the village has seen."

"Uh huh," Anko said, carving something into the wall with a kunai. "And if Orochimaru takes up baking, _he_ could be the sweetest of the three Sannin."

Looking over at Naruto, Kurenai smiled. "They say that if you gave an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters, would they eventually produce the complete works of the Great Scrolls." She hooked one leg over an overstuffed chair arm. "He's just doing his part."

Everyone in the commons room at the community center laughed, with the exception of Naruto and a white-eyed girl.

"_Ummm_…… I think that…… Naruto-kun has a good idea…." Hinata rubbed her fingers together, looking shyly at the blonde-haired ninja pecking away on a typewriter at a furious pace.

"Yeh! Thanks Hinata!" Naruto stopped to give her a thumbs up. "You really **_are_** someone I could like.

"**Ooooooooh**…." Ino, Sakura, and Ten Ten said together. Anko looked at Kurenai. The too shrugged and shook their heads.

"What are you trying to accomplish?" Neji asked, walking over to see what could possibly have his friend ignoring the bowl of noodles in front of him.

"_Ha! _Just log on to the computer, then type in '**www dot fanfiction dot net.**' Then go to '**anime**,' and '**Naruto**.' Read a few story summaries. You'll see." Naruto frowned. "It's enough to piss you off. Or make you sick."

"If they have a heading named 'Naruto,' then it's probably a site that doesn't matter," Ino said. "But…… if they had one named 'Shikamaru'…." She looked over at her fellow ninja.

"_Ahhhh," _Shikamru sighed. "As if things were not bothersome enough already."

"You going to eat those noodles?" Choji asked, looking over Naruto's shoulder, mouth chomping away on chips.

"**_Shit! _**No time for _that. _You can have them…." Naruto continued with his typing, eyes intense.

"Perhaps we _should _check out that website," Neji said, hearing Naruto say that someone could have his Ramen. He stared at Choji, who dropped the already empty bowl on the desk top.

"AHHHHHHHH.Is it some kind of evil plot?" Lee said, heading over to join Neji on the computer. "Are our village's weaknesses being made known on the internet?"

"OK. I can't take any more of this. If we look and get it over with, _maybe_ we can get back to discussing the upcoming dance." Ten Ten worked on one of her hair buns.

"Why?" Neji asked. That had Ten Ten hanging her head.

"If it's not a porn site, don't wake me up." Anko closed her eyes and tried to take a nap.

The door to the room opened and closed. Kakashi, Gai, and Asuma walked in.

"Why is everyone standing over by the computer?" Asuma asked. "Is that pic of Kurenai that Kakashi sent in posted or something?"

"No," Anko said through closed lids. "Not on any of the sites that _I_ visit."

"**_WHAT?_**" Kurenai drew a brace of kunai and looked over at Kakashi. Not paying much attention, she knocked over a tray stacked with half-filled glasses.

The Copy Ninja held his hands up, one grasping the ubiquitous Icha Icha novel.

"It wasn't _me_," he said. "Gai beat me to it. It was our latest contest. He placed the camera in the woman's showers." He smiled, seeing the reaction on each of the girls' faces. "He leads sixty five to sixty four, now."

"OOOOOOH. Kakashi, my life long rival…… I would _never_ do that…." Gai began backing away from Kurenai. "Tell her that you are only joking…." Seeing Lee watch him, he stopped, and took a much bolder stance.

Asuma smiled, lighting up a cigarette. "I was just joking. No one would _really _do that."

"Yes," Choji added, wanting to confirm what his teacher said. "Sensei has told us that Kurenai-sensei's body isn't very noteworthy."

The only sound in the room was Naruto's typing.

"No beef for you this week," Asuma said, putting his hand on his forehead and grimacing. A moment later, a full glass of beer splashed into his face as his fellow jounin left the room in a huff.

"He say anything about **_my_** body?" Anko asked, licking her lips. She had one hand in her weapon's pouch.

Choji looked at his teacher and raised one eyebrow. He said "No," after Asuma mouthed 'all you can eat.'

When Tsunade and Ton Ton walked in, followed by Shizune, they too found a group of ninjas clustered around the computer.

"It's online gambling," Jiraiya said, standing over by the window with his telescope. The room gave a good view of the girls' dormitory.

"**_Let me see!_**" The Fifth Hokage said, sounding excited. "I should have known better," she said a few moments later. "Shizune, remind me to show that idiot my punch again, when we're both outside."

"_Shhhhhh! _Keep it down Old Lady, can't you see I'm _busy_ over here?" Naruto put in another sheet of paper. "Why are old people so rude."

The room went quiet again, but Tsunade was too busy shaking her head, reading what the others had been.

"Who writes these?" Ino asked. "Some of that stuff is pretty…… _weird_….."

"I don't know…… some of it looks pretty nice…." Sakura pointed to one summary, described as a 'SasuSaku'story.

"**Ha! **Like _this_ one." Kiba told Akamaru what it said. The dog lay down on the floor and placed his paws over his eyes. "That's probably why Naruto is typing. _He_ must have written it!" He knew that would piss his friend off. "How's the sequel coming?"

"_What? _Sasuke buys Naruto as a bondage slave. They experiment with the uses of various kitchen implements…." Lee blushed. "OHHHHHHHHH. I cannot believe that Naruto would write something like _that_. He's not…."

Hinata was trembling ever so slightly. She reached out a hand to steady herself.

"**_SHUT UP KIBA! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO KICK YOUR ASS. I WANT TO GET THIS LETTER IN THE MAIL._**" Naruto created a clone, that walked over and kicked Kiba in the ass, hard.

"Whoa!" Gai began chuckling loudly, now looking at the computer screen. "_That_ story has my age old enemy Kakashi doing…… _things_…… with Iruka…." He smiled, light shining off of his teeth. "Do not hang around either of them, Lee."

"_Now_ you see what had me pissed off!" Naruto said. "Jerks. Perverts. _Losers_. They're all probably Sound shinobi!" He stopped typing, and rubbed his chin. "Unless it was Anko…."

"If there's a story where I have you strapped naked to a torture wheel, and I have on nothing more than pasties and a whip, then it **_was_** me." No one could tell if the dark-haired jounin was kidding. "_Or_ if it's one where I have Kiba barking like a dog."

"HAH!" Naruto shouted at Kiba.

"Though…… SasuNaru **_does_** sound…… _intriguing_…." Anko winked at Naruto. That had the young man standing up in outrage, knocking the typewriter off of the table. "Maybe I **_should_** try my hand at that."

"I always wondered if you were…… _you know_…." Kiba said to Naruto, shaking his head. "I guess we all know now….."

"**_I_**…… **_AM_**…… **_NOT_**….." Naruto clenched his fits. He had been a hair's breadth away from forming Rasengan.

"What's the big deal?" Ten Ten asked. "It's only _fiction. _People are just exercising their imagination. Don't read it if you don't like it."

"Oh, Naruto…." Sakura had a wicked look on her face. Naruto had shown her up repeatedly at practice that day. "**_Now_** it all makes sense…." She looked sad. "_That's _why Sasuke left the Leaf."

"Huh?" Naruto asked, scratching his head and pulling at one ear.

"Lover's quarrel…." Sakura sighed. "My dreams of Sasuke-kun…… all ruined."

"**_DAMN IT SAKURA-CHAN_**…… **_I_**….. **_AM_**…… **_NOT_**…."

"Sakura is his teammate. She was teammate to both of them. It is possible that _she_ knows things that we do not know." Lee looked stricken. "OOOOOOOOH.Look at _that_ story. Naruto and Sasuke find each other in their eyes….. they dream to hold each other in their arms…… I cannot read any more. I must do 500 leg kicks and run 400 laps."

Guy gave his student a thumbs up.

"AHHHHHHH. But it is worrisome. The practice will make me sweaty. We share the showers with Naruto." Lee was walking back and forth, looking somewhat agitated now.

"Yes!" Kiba said smirking. "Why do you think they put the soap on ropes?"

"Maybe **_that's_** why Shino never uses the shower…." Choji said, looking at his bag of chips. He had suddenly lost his appetite. Shikamaru noticed that and sighed. This was growing more and more troublesome by the moment.

"It's not surprising, really." Asuma said, knocking some ashes off into Anko's drink. "Naruto and Sasuke probably learned it from Kakashi. _He's_ a wanted sex offender. His face is posted on jail walls all across the nearest nations." He couldn't keep a straight face. "Why do you think he wears that mask?"

For a moment, everyone stared at Asuma. Anko sat up. "Is this _true_, Kakashi? I hear you have a very nice apartment…."

Kakashi just shook his head. _"I'm _not the one dressing up in green spandex."

That had Gai sputtering and Lee's eyes going even wider. "But there is nothing wrong with these clothes. They are the height of fashion!" The young man with the bushy eyebrows put his hands at his hips. "Gai-sensei assures me of this!"

The room went silent again, then everyone burst out with laughter.

"**_Geeez!" _**Ino sounded unhappy. "This story has Sasuske wondering whether or not he should marry the big forehead girl."

Sakura preened.

"But, he decides to date Naruto instead!" Ino laughed as Sakura tipped over and fell to the floor.

"Sure seem to be a lot of stories pairing Sasuke up with Naruto," Kiba said. _"_Where there's smoke, there's _usually _a fire."

Only the fact that Jiraiya smacked Naruto in the head with his telescope prevented his former apprentice from using a _Katon_-style jutsu on Kiba.

"**_I_**……….. **_AM_**……… **_NOT_**……… **_LIKE_**………. **THAT! **" Naruto slammed his palm down on the desk. The legs fell off, and the wood split down the middle.

"I… I hope not… I hope not, Naruto-kun…." Hinata was biting her lip.

"_Hmmm_…… let's find out…." Before anyone could stop her, Anko flashed over to the pile of kindling holding up the typewriter, grabbed Naruto by the neck, and dragged him into the adjacent dark room.

There were sounds of violent struggling.

"_**Don't **... **touch **... **me **... **there **..._ **oops ...**"

Kiba shivered.

_The joke had gone too far._

"He's not gay," Anko declared, walking out a moment later, looking as if nothing had happened. She didn't offer any details

"Can I use that bit in my next book, Anko?" Jiraiya asked, chuckling.

"No prob," the jounin said, waving nonchalantly. "But, you **_may_** want to wait a bit." She ran a hand through her hair. "Kiba…… you seemed quite eager to find out about Naruto……. maybe I should check to see if _you're_ light in the sandals." Anko put her hands together and cracked her knuckles. "You can bring the dog…."

Akamaru scampered out of the room, knocking over lamps and causing throw rugs to bunch up as he tried to run across them. Kiba soon followed suit.

"I can wait…." Anko called. Smiling, she turned her eyes on Choji and Shikamaru.

"Maybe you should check **_me_** too," the Frog Hermit said, nodding to the next room as a sheepish Naruto walked out backwards trying to hide the tenting of his trousers.

Anko dropped the kunai she was flipping. It stuck between her toes, leaving a large gash in her boots. "I may be crazy…… but I have _some _taste…." She looked truly shaken. "It's not like we're in one of those impossible stories…."

Tsunade began chucking. She stopped, when Shizune pointed to the computer screen.

"WHAT THE…." The Hokage's backhand left a hole in the wall.

"What is it?" A moping Jiraiya asked.

"Oh My…." Shizune put her hand to her mouth.

"_Bwee Bweeeee-e-e-e-e-e-e_…." Ton Ton ran to hide under the nearest divan.

"Huh? What's up, Granny?" Naruto's eyes went very wide.

The story had Tsunade and Hinata competing for Naruto's affections. It was rated 'R.' For good reason.

"_H-H_-Hintata wouldn't do **_that_**…." Naruto said, swallowing hard. He looked over at the white-eyed girl.

"Oh. Hinata wouldn't? But **_I _**would?" Tsunade held up one finger. It looked like Naruto's days were numbered.

"That's right," Jiraiya put in, smiling. "Didn't Tsunade tell everyone how she beat you with one finger, in that other village?" He paused a moment. "I usually prefer the ladies to use _all five _fingers."

Naruto was spared. The Ero-Sennin, however, was left dangling. The Hokage's hammer blow drove him halfway through the floor. His feet and legs were protruding into the room below.

Sitting back down, the noodle bowl hiding his erection, Naruto began typing again. After stepping on her former teammate's head and dropping him into the lower room, Tsunade bent over to see what the blonde-haired ninja was working so diligently on. Before he could stop her, she grabbed the first completed page and began reading aloud:

"Please print my letter as a story, after you read and understand my final demands. Category, _Anime. _Specific Anime, _Naruto_. Genre, _General_. Rating, _PG-13_. Title, two choices. _'I'm not gay you twisted sons of bitches,' _and _'Sakura-chan Sakura-chan-Sakura-chan.'"_

"Hey…… give that back, you old hag!" Naruto reached for the paper, but Tsunade put her hand on his forehead protector and held him back, smiling as his flailing arms became a blur.

"_WHAT?_" Sakura began balling up her fists. "**NARUTO!**"

"I like the first one better," Asuma said. "Though, it's a bit insensitive." He took a pull on his cigarette. "It **_might_** have been more PC to say _'Burn in Hell you miserable Yaoi and Shounen-ai bastards'."_

"That's so immature," Ten Ten said. "Some girls just think that yaoi is hot." She swallowed hard when she saw Neji's expression. "I don't mean me!"

"Who then?" Choji asked. _"Hinata?"_

"What's yaoi?" Hinata asked. Ino walked over and whispered into her ear. The small girl went whiter than her eyes.

"I'm just trying to say that different people have different preferences," Ten Ten said. "What **_we _**might see as sick, disgusting, and wrong…… **_they_** might see as exciting, more original, or an expression of their own lives." She stuck out her chin, ignoring Neji's perturbed look. "If someone can be allowed to run around this village in an orange jumpsuit…… green stretchy alien-like things…… a mask over his face…… cigarette sewed to his lip…… or breasts larger than my head…."

Tsunade frowned. From down below, Jiraiya could be heard chuckling. Naruto looked at his clothing, then furrowed his brow. Gai and Lee looked at each other, then shrugged.

"_If_…." Ten Ten began to sweat, seeing the Hokage's look. "If a story can have a guy whose tongue can stretch out nearly forever, wrap around people, and throw them around…… why can't someone write about other strange stuff, if they want to?"

"That's a very mature attitude, Ten Ten…." Naruto shocked everyone, saying that. Naturally, he didn't leave it there. "**_AND_**…… **_IT_**…… **SUCKS**…."

"Yes…." Anko said. "That's why I like it…."

Tsunade shook her head, then continued reading:

"_This is Uzumaki Naruto. The source. Who knows better than me."_

"Shit!" Sakura blushed. She never swore. But, hearing that, she couldn't help herself.

Shikamaru sighed. Lee gave Naruto a salute. Kakshi closed his one visible eye.

"_Where do you think Masashi Kishimoto gets all of his ideas from? I mean, look at the title again. It's called 'Naruto,' not 'Sasuke' or "Konohamaru' or something. Although, I wouldn't mind it if they called it 'Sakura-chan."_

"**SHIT!**" Sakura said. Ten Ten walked over to pat her on the back.

Hinata hung her head and sighed.

"_I came to this site. I read some of the summaries. I almost pinched a loaf right there! Shit! I couldn't believe it. Me and that Uchiha bastard….. the guy who kind of hates my guts…… doing what? I read some of the stories. I thought it must be a nightmare. Are those people on drugs or something? Steroids?"_

"Hey Gai…… how did you get so big…… so fast?" Kakashi put his book down.

"He's obviously talking about your muscles," Anko said. She held her two fingers up, about three-and-one-half inches apart.

"UHHHH…." Gai swallowed hard. "I'm just naturally…… huge…." He began chuckling. "HAH!I would _never _cheat…… I never use steroids…."

"Or a penis enlarger…." Anko snickered. "For Lee's sake, I hope he doesn't resemble you _too_ closely…."

Lee shook his head and gave Anko a thumbs up, before blushing.

"Let's go see…." Anko licked her lips. Neji and Ten Ten both stood to shield their friend.

"**_ANKO!_**" Tsunade shook her finger. "That's _enough. _Things are getting out of hand."

"I know…." Anko said. "I'm trying to get them _in_ hand…." Again, no one could tell if she was joking or not. Just the way she liked things...

It was Shizune's turn to blush. Her, Hinata, and Ino. Tsunade frowned, then began reading again:

"_Why do those sickos have to take something good…… something that a lot of people have come to like…… then make it bad? It sucks. Big time! I mean, if they like the manga or anime enough to write about it…… why are they freaking changing it? Huh? I wish I could meet them and kick their asses!"_

"That energetic attitude is very bothersome," Shikamaru said.

"Tell me about it!" Sakura sighed. Kakashi nodded.

"You can kick **_my_** ass, if you like…." Anko turned around to show Naruto her tush. "I promise I won't write about it." She licked her lips. "Unless you want me to."

Naruto shivered. But, he couldn't help staring. Hinata rubbed her fingers together, taking notes. She couldn't picture herself doing something like that. But, things change….

"QUIET!" The Hokage said rather loudly. "Enough interruptions." She tried again to read what Naruto had typed:

"_Sure. In one of the opening episodes, someone bumped me from behind, and I accidentally gave Sasuke a kiss."_

That had The girls nodding their head, growing angry at the memory.

"_But that doesn't make me gay or something! Hell, throughout the episodes, I was chasing after Sakura for crying out loud. I even disguised myself as that jerk Sasuke so that I could steal a kiss."_

"Scary," Ino said.

"Yeh," Sakura replied.

"_You didn't see me run around hanging all over that freak, saying "Sasuke-kun… Sasuke-kun… Sasuke-kun… right? That was Sakura's schtick. All she could see was a pretty boy, just like Ino and Ten Ten."_

The girls all sighed, looked at each other, then smiled.

Naruto kicked one piece of broken wood across the room.

"_Crap! If anyone would turn out gay, it would be Kabuto and Orochimaru. But even that is ridiculous. Though……Kishimoto named one jounin Gai…… that's pretty close to gay, you know…… and he does hug Lee a lot."_

Gai gave Naruto a very dark look.

"_No! I can't believe that, even though the spandex would be more appropriate on one of Konoha's ballet dancers."_

Kakashi smiled and gave Naruto a thumbs up.

"I'm beginning to like that boy more and more…." Anko's look had Naruto cringing.

"_We are shinobi of the Leaf. Manly, except for the women. Though, some of them are rather manly in some ways. Old Lady Tsunade is stronger than most people. And she has some bitchin' biceps."_

The Fifth Hokage didn't know whether to scowl or make a muscle.

"_But, who ever looks at _those. _I mean, the first thing everyone sees are those massive hooters! Yowsa. _Those_ are all she needs to protect the village. If she smacked Orochimaru with something that big, he'd probably be dead now."_

Tsunade turned a look on that had him think he was going to melt and seep through the cracks in the floor. Either that, or void his bladder, and have the urine do the seeping.

"It's good to see that I taught you something!" Jiraiya called up from below, almost finished seeing stars.

"_Back to the subject," _Tsunade began reading once more. "_It's like getting a nice steaming bowl of Ramen and lobster…… then pouring a whole bottle of ketchup on it. Yuk! I could almost blow chunks, just thinking about it. If people want to take a story that the main author…… you know, the guy who write the story…… the one who knows the characters better than anyone else….. that the main author purposely wrote one way…… and screw it up…… why don't they just make up their own story, with their own names?"_

"Exactly," Neji said. "Though the sentence structure was a bit ungainly…."

"Sue me," Naruto said, sticking out his lower lip.

"_If someone did that with one of my favorite comics or something, I would die. It would be like the time that Shizune dropped that magazine she had been carrying inside of a paper bag. I thought it must be medical stuff, or something. When I opened it, my eyes almost fried. Naked guys. Geez. You'd think they were horses or something, with those…… never mind."_

Everyone turned to look at Shizune. The medical ninja turned pink in the face. "That wasn't mine. I was buying it for Ts…." She didn't stop in time.

"Hey! Old Lady! Since you're teaching Sakura, do you have **_her_** reading that stuff too?"

Sakura's punch left Naruto spread-eagled against the wall.

Coughing, Tsunade began reading again:

"_I mean, if someone is going to make a magazine with naked people…… either one of the local zines, or some of those nice exotics smuggled in by the Cloud or the Rain…… it ought to have chicks, right? Yeh. There was this one centerfold with a white-eyed babe. Her face almost reminded me of-"_

"Well," Tsunade said, coughing again. "I can skip over that part."

Hinata sat frozen.

"Hey…… I…… it's not like her body looked like _yours, _Hinata." Naruto didn't know when to leave well enough alone. "It's…… _uhhh_…… not like I've seen you naked, or something…."

"You do in _some_ of these stories," Neji said, still on the computer. "Oh. _That _one is just wrong."

"What is it?" Ten Ten asked, coming to lean over his shoulder. "_Blah. _You're right!" She wrinkled up her nose. "That's almost like incest or something. The two of you are cousins!"

"It's funny you should bring that up. Naruto wrote about that kind of thing too." Tsunade shook the paper she held. "For example." She began again:

"_That stupid and annoying yaoi stuff isn't the only thing that chaps my ass. I mean, look at some of these straight pairings! Neji and Hinata? Come on! The two of them are cousins, for crying out loud. Besides, Neji told me he kind of likes Ten Ten. That's not too surprising. I mean, the two of them spend a lot of time training together."_

"**Ooops. **My bad. Shouldn't have read _that _part." Tsunade looked over at Neji.

"That's OK," Ten Ten said. "Can you read it again?"

"_And another one I saw. There were a whole bunch of stories about it. Sasuke and Hinata. Please! Talk about ridiculous. He's a selfish revenge-obsessed stuck-up bastard, and she's a quiet dark girl who I once thought was a weirdo, but now think is really…… uhhh…. like I was saying."_

Hinata perked up. She looked over at Naruto, who looked away.

"_Who would ever believe that Hinata would end up with someone like that? It boggles the freaking mind, I tell you! Who was she always watching? Me! Who did she call a 'proud failure,' saying he helped her feel better about her self? Me! Not that pretty boy traitor. Who did she watch leaving town? Me! Sure, if she couldn't have me, maybe she would settle for second best. But it wouldn't be that f-cked up son of a bitch!"_

"I might just luck out," Sakura whispered to Ino. "Kishimoto might have Naruto and Hinata pairing up. I mean, some of the stuff he wrote **_could_** be hints, you know."

"Uh huh. Maybe." Ino smiled a nasty smile. "Of course, when he came back to the village, who did he want to show his new perverted jutsu to?"

Sakura glared at her long time rival. "In any case," she said louder than she had intended. "It's all just teenage romance stuff, right? How many of our parents are both ninjas?"

Hinata looked down in her lap, clasping her hands together. Lee looked at Sakura and sighed. Ten Ten gave her pink-haired friend a dirty look.

"That doesn't mean that the guys shouldn't go after them, getting what they can while they can." Jiraiya said. "I bet some of those girls look pretty hot with their clothes off."

"Excuse me. I have a _Chuusuusei Biribiri _I need to use." Tsunade dropped down through the hole in the floor. There was th sound of a rather loud but brief scuffle. When the Hokage appeared back upstairs, she was brushing her hands together.

"Poor guy," Asuma said. "He's probably right…."

Ino marched over and pushed hard on her teacher. Waving his arms, he tried to regain his balance, but fell through the hole in the floor.

"Ahhhh," Shikamaru said, closing his eyes. "You see why I say girls are bothersome. Ino looks to be worse than my mother." Choji nodded his head.

"That's alright, Shikamaru." Naruto said. "In most stories, they don't pair you up with Ino." He made his hands form an hourglass shape. "It's usually Temari. And she is one **_hot_** babe…."

Hinata looked down at her own figure and bit her lip.

"Give it time," Kurenai said, having returned after cooling off.

Ino stood stunned. When she could speak, she managed to get out "_B-B_-But…… they're only _stories_…… I hate to agree with Naruto…… _b-b_-but he's right. Some people are messed up."

"Ino's probably a better cook," Choji said. "I wonder if they write about her and me." Choji's chip bag slipped through his fingers.

Ino froze again. Then she spoke in a high nasally voice. "What did I tell you before, Choji. You're too f-" She was interrupted.

"We do **_not_** use that word!" Shikamaru said.

"Well, if all you do is eat, you're never going to find a girl." Ino lectured Choji. "And don't let your buddy try to convince you that I need more weight!" Ino glowered at Shikamatu. "I read the manga. He's just trying to make you feel better."

"Well, there _is _mention of one story with Choji," Tsunade said, skimming through Naruto's story. "Though, it pairs him with Hinata."

"**WHAT!**" Everyone exclaimed, except for Choji and Hinata.

"Do you cook?" Choji asked Hinata.

"_N-N_-Not after today…." Hinata said.

"There there," Kurenai said, patting her white-eyed friend on the back.

"That's almost as bad as NejiHina stuff," Naruto spat. "_Damn. _Some people just need to do something different, to get attention. Or, they get bored real easy when people write too many NaruHina things. I mean. Well. Not that it has to be **_that_** way or something."

"Yes it does," Sakura said under her breath.

"Naruto-kun…." Hinata said softly.

"There are a lot of…… _interesting_…… pairing referenced here," Tsunade said. "People certainly have……_unique_…… imaginations." She shook her head.

"What are some of them?" Kurenai asked.

"Gaara-Hinata…." The Hokage said.

Asuma began laughing out loud. Gai looked shocked. Kakashi put his book down and shook his head.

Hinata twitched, looking frightened for a moment.

"Kiba-Hinata," Tsunade added. "I could almost see that one working. They **_are_** part of the same team."

Hinata shook her head vigorously, looking over at Naruto.

"You like to do it _doggy style_, Hinata?" Anko asked, just looking to cause trouble.

Kurenai took out a few kunai, but Anko looked eager for a fight.

"_Nah! _Ninata wouldn't ever like Kiba," Naruto said. "I doubt that she's into fleas. Or bugs for that matter." The last part gave his opinion about any possible Hinata-Shino pairing.

"Naruto-kun…." Hinata said.

"She says that a lot. It grows annoying after a while," Shikamaru scowled, looking up out of a nearby window, staring at the clouds."

"**Shhhhh. **Let me say what I was going to say." Tsunade held up a fist. "Lee-Sakura. That one's not too bad, actually. She was kind enough to bring him flowers in the hospital."

Lee perked up. Gai gave him a nice guy signal, which had the younger ninja throwing out his chest.

"_B-B_-But…." Sakura rushed to say. "I bring flowers to all of the guys when they get hurt."

"Slut!" Anko said, laughing.

"This one really doesn't make sense, though. Sakura-Itachi. What are some people thinking?" The Hokage looked baffled. "But there's worse. Itachi-Naruto. Itachi-Hinata. Itachi-Sasuke. How could they ever think those make sense?"

"That's exactly what I've been saying," Naruto said, rubbing his sore jaw.

"What else do we have? _Hmmmmmm_. Well, some of these are kind of amusing, I think. Neji-Sakura. I don't see it ever happening, but it's creative. Same goes for Naruto-Ten Ten and Naruto-Ino. Shika-Ino is pretty good, and-" Tsunade was cut off.

"You remember who said that. The Hokage. Wisest of us all." Ino shook her finger at Shikamaru, Choji smiled, seeing the expression on Shikamaru's face.

"Wow. I shouldn't even mention **_that_** one." Tsunade frowned. "Some people. Ugh. Kiba-Kankouro. It's certainly one of a kind."

"I think we all get the point now," Kurenai said. "We've spent a lot of time obsessing over nothing. They're only stories. They have nothing to do with real life. Isn't there something else we can talk about now."

"It's OK, Kurenai. Don't feel left out. There are a few stories about you." The Hokage tapped the paper with her finger.

"I…." Kurenai held up her hand.

"We have a Kurenai-Kakashi story listed." Tsunade grinned a mischievous grin.

"Who did you blab to!" Kurenai said to Kakashi, too slow to catch herself. "I mean…."

"Ha! Kakashi-sensei and Kurenai, sitting in a tree… K…I… S… S… I… N… G…." Naruto whistled. He shrunk back down again when he caught the look on Kurenai's face.

"Your spelling is off," Anko drawled. "It should be _F_…_U_…"

"**ANKO!**" A vein bulged on Tsunade's temple. "Well, things are getting a bit out of control now," she said, trying to sound as if she had nothing to do with it. "I need to call a repair crew to work on the floor…… and the refuse collection team to remove a certain piece of garbage…… I mean _Jiraiya_, not the desk…… so it's time to clear out of here."

"_Ah! _Old Lady. You need to read the last part! _Here." _Naruto tried to hand the Hokage the second page, but was rebuffed. "It's where I say there should be more Sakura-Me stories. Tell them what it says, so I can put it in the envelope and mail it to the people running the website!"

Sakura's kick to the groin had Naruto folding up like a cot. It looked like he wouldn't be able to move for a while, but he got up and took off running when Anko said that she could kiss it and make it better.

_He left his letter and envelope behind._

Everyone filed out of the room, needing to get home, go on duty, or grab a bite to eat with some of the others. The only one remaining was Hinata.

For a few minutes, she just sat twiddling her fingers. Then, making sure that no one was watching, she walked over and picked up the letter. After a few more minutes, she gathered up her courage. After all, she couldn't be written as a timid useless girl forever.

Sitting on the floor, she read the last section that read:

"_I Uzumaki Naruto, as the main character in the story, demand that writers no longer be allowed to make up stories about anyone in my Manga or Anime. There is precedent, so don't try to jerk my chain. Look at your own damn website. It says that 'FanFiction dot Net respects the expressed wishes of the following authors and will not archive entries based on their work: P.N. Elrod… Raymond Feist… Terry Goodkind… Laurell K. Hamilton… Robin Hobb… Anne McCaffrey… Dennis L. McKiernan… Robin… McKinley Irene Radford … Anne Rice… Nora Roberts/J.D. Robb.' Yeh, your own words. And, it says 'Failure to comply with site rules will result in the removal of stories and/or removal of account.'_

Hinata sighed when she read the next part:

"_There is one exception. People can write stories about me and Sakura. Lots of stories about me and Sakura. Even….. you know…… adult stories about me and Sakura."_

The white-eyed girl bit her lip. She stared at the words for a while, then nodded her head. Putting the typewriter upright, she slid the paper back in. With bold strikes of the keys, she **X**-ed out the part about Sakura and Naruto. After that, she typed her own final paragraph:

"_There is one exception. People can write stories about me and Hinata Lots of stories about me and Hinata. Even….. you know…… adult stories about me and Hinata."_

She looked down at herself again.

"_But, make Hinata's breasts larger. Make her hips a bit fuller, too. And she shouldn't be twiddling her fingers so much. Oh, and she should be a bit taller, too. Make sure that her father doesn't find any of this out. Or her little sister. And make her more aggressive."_

Blushing furiously, Hinata added even more.

"_Make Hinata my favorite thing, not ramen. Oh, and have me bathe a bit more. I should pay more attention to personal hygiene, and get a new set of clothes. Nothing orange. A better haircut might be nice, too."_

Satisfied, Hinata put the letter in the envelope… licked the flap… sealed the envelope… then headed off for the post office.


End file.
